It had become desolate on the ranch since the morning purging. Of course, this was the cycle of things. As is with all natural systems, the tides ebb and flow, faces come and go. I was not prepared for it the first time, but age and experience had eased the shock of it all – smoothing over the ridges of doubt until my edges became seamless.
I headed towards the town center, determined to keep my wits about me and go about today as I would any other. There were a few new citizens, recognizable against rest of us by the shadow hanging over their eyes. Maybe they’d lost friends, loved ones, family even. But not everyone could handle what it meant to be a part of our community. The rules were strict, but necessary. We all needed to sacrifice. Only then could we truly grasp the gravity of our community and ascend into our new lives.
As I rounded the corner, bringing with me the fruits of my labor from the past week, I heard a familiar voice call out to me.
“It’s been quite some time since I’ve seen you in town Caroline. I was beginning to worry something had gone wrong.”
I exhaled in exasperation. “No need to worry about me, Marcus. Focus on your own corpse, I’m sure it’s giving you enough trouble as is.”
Marcus was a good man. I met him my first day in town and he’s been one of the few to stick around as long as I have. Not everyone sees the beauty of the world we’ve created. The world we need to protect. But Marcus and I understood.
“Well, you’ve missed one hell of a show. Some of the out-of-town folk got real handsy with the Handlers on their way out. One ‘bodied’ even shot a man dead in the middle of the square, the poor guy.”
My heart dropped a bit to hear that. It was a rare opportunity the one we’d been given. To have it stripped like that from someone so unworthy was sinful. But then again, this happened every Founders Day. It was just the way things were.
“He’ll be back in due time though. They won’t let any deserving fellow stay dead too long.”
Marcus looked up at me through his glasses, the dust from whatever work he’d lost himself in still flaking the lenses. Something was weighing on him, the wet of his eyes hesitant, as if he was still considering whether or not to speak what was on his mind.
“I ought to let you know I’ll be out of town for a bit.”
I stopped in my tracks. “Marcus you can’t talk like that, not here.”
“The Handlers know,” he continued, “I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have to and I’m doing it the right way. I’d stay if I could, but the corpse is acting up again. I’ll be in and out for the weekend, that’s all.”
I looked down at him with a weary look in my eyes. It was taboo enough to mention the corpses, to bring up leaving town on top of that was downright dangerous. Not just for the Handlers, but the community too. Those who stayed had worked hard to be here, leaving wasn’t something you brought up lightly.
“And when you come back, you’ll still be yourself?” I asked him.
“That’s what they tell me. ‘Long as the body doesn’t break any rules, there shouldn’t be any issues when I get back.”
That was good to hear. Marcus and I had seen a number of citizens fall to the purging, but at least there was time to anticipate that break. What was worse was when good, smart, sensible people left town on their own and didn’t come back.
“Alright then, I’ll see you come Monday. You still owe me one for that favor I pulled a few months ago.”
He smiled down at the ground and looked up at me with a sideways grin on his face. “See you Monday, Caroline.” And then he turned and walked away.
Monday came and Marcus never showed. So, I waited Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday too. By Friday I knew my friend was gone for good, they never let you leave a whole week and come back as you were. I’d see many faces come and go, but Marcus’s was one I’d never see again.
I scolded myself for being too naïve. This was the common casualty of this place. People leaving fully intent on coming home, but once they’re trapped in that physical cage again, they get complacent and stuck. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it ever. Things are different here than they are there. Parts of me remembers what it was like to truly feel and taste and hear. But that part of me always loses out to the sensible.
For the next few weeks, I go about my days as always. Keeping my head down, but my ears keen. That is until one day when I can feel my systems malfunctioning, the blinking red pressure becomes all my mind can focus on. And with that I know I too must leave town.
I contact the Handlers to explain my situation. They’re not surprised, I’ve been here longer than most. One even joked about me finally reaching my “expiration date”. I didn’t take kindly to him.
It was only a matter of hours before they got me hooked up and ready to go. The train ride, the Handlers liked to call it. Unfortunately, I knew better.
The shock of waking up in a physical body again blows through me with burning intensity, spiking pain throughout my chest. The body’s chest, I mean. I sit up from the cot, yanking at the wires attached to the head, arms, and collarbones. I will the body to stand from the bed, despite months of atrophy gnawing at the muscles. Nearly stumbling I make it to the dresser and the mirror, looking the corpse in the eyes for the first time in God knows how long. Brown eyes reflect back at me, nothing like the blue ones Caroline wears. These eyes belonged to Alice Riven and the life she used to know before her death, before I chose a better life. Before I killed her to make room for Caroline.
That’s the sacrifice I make for cyberspace. There can be no bridge between the physical world and the world of our minds. Nor can we bring anything over with us when we ascend. To return home is to abandon the physical, to abandon the identities we once donned. We make new lives online, with new names, new identities, all anonymous but still our own. A people that can never be controlled except by our own strength and our own wills.
I readjust the tubes keeping Alice’s body alive, just enough so that her mind can still be utilized. The Handlers haven’t quite figured that one out yet, despite our creed of separation. But I don’t mind the hypocrisy. Some people return from cyberspace and find themselves hooked on the pleasures of reality, claim the virtual is just not the same as real living. I guess that’s what happened to Marcus, or whatever name he’s going by now. I won’t let the same thing happen to me. I gave up everything for this life, and I’ll be damned if I let myself ruin it.
I slowly reattach all the wires that download my consciousness, that act as my train ticket home. The process is long and grueling, especially with the body’s physical state. But I remind myself that it’s worth it, only a little while longer before I can return to my new identity. After what must have been hours, I slow blink and wake up surrounded by the Handlers once more. What may have been hours in the wretched physical world cost me days of my own life in cyberspace. But no matter. Soon the Handlers would fix that issue and, in the name of the Founder, give the most dedicated the chance we so desired. Total separation. We would exist only here. One day it would be true, I’d just have to keep pushing forward a little while longer.